Today is the second day that thing has happen in the cell. We had not talk about it. I having problem staying in this cell. I lose of hope for this group. I believe my leader will help me to solve thing out. She is very nice. I am super sorry that i hurt her. I hope thing would be better. Alhough this year i do not know how my christmas will be like. Although i did hope i would able to spend my christmas with the cell. I know that is impossible now. I do not dare to hope. I just hope there is something My leader can do. ALthough i do not hope to jus celebrate with the guys team alone. I do felt so weired. All are so grown up me leh.. I would think i will lose of words to say. I think to make my cell leader happy then i will still go. She is my leader. Day after day i had been crying coz of this problem. Although after knowing the cell does not willing to celebrates christmas together i did wish to be in malaysia celebrating Christmas there. I think the feels will be different. I don't think i can. I do not waste another ticket. And also becoz i had to come back and practise for the performance for the countdown. I do believe aunt wannna give me surprise. I think i would not able to see the surprise. Hei... I really does not hope my leader be upset.

Although i do not sure that she is upset becoz of the group does not wanna come together and celebrates christmas or becoz what she saw my letter then she get upset. I think she felt so discourage becoz of me. I wrote a letter then feel with my thought. Why and how come I does not wanna sit with her. Coz i do not have the likeness with them..

Now every day i think of this problem i start tearings. I do hope my group can get closer. Although i ever thought of leaving the group but i think i would still prefer my leader. Alhough i can does not have the group to be with me. But i do wan my leader.

Today sunday in church service i was touch by the words that pastor Thai Tong say. We need holy spirit to give us a hand so that we would not feel tired. And out road will be easiler. When start praying... I sense that God will hugging me and he told me that everything is in his hand. He will solve very little problem that i have. I just has to trust him in everything.I am not standing alone, he is always beside me. Do not lead on my own understanding. I starting tearing. As now a few thing that brother me. That is i am not sure whether my Godpa's izzit really have cancer. As he need to go and do treatment then he will know is that cancer cell.. I am so worry for my family as i am not sure what is going to happen next. As for past 3 year thing had been happening. I break the curse in the NAME OF JESUS. No DEVIL are aloud in my home and family.

Although one and another problem is here. I had to be strong. Seen like thing start my uncle who mentally ill then grandaunt health getting poor, then my aunt Jean who has cancer follow by my uncle in malaysia who also has cancel then the other uncle from malaysia who has went treatment came back but still not well and now my godfather is the next one who suspect that he has cancer.

Cancer is everywhere. Is so scary... God please help me hold my family. I can't stand alone without you. I am going to give up soon.. Please come to me and help me. I feel so so so so so tired... I need a rest.

Sometime i just wonder izzit time for me to go back to heaven. I need a rest..

11:13 AM!Y

Hi.. So long did not update my blogs. After handing all my project till now i had been really resting and also looking out for a job. Resting for sometime and now i am still having very bad cough. I am tires... Today i actually really did not do much thing but sleeping the whole day. I does not know why that i feel so tired.

Anyway yesterday i receive my feedback for my portfolio i cried badly in dance. Was nice to have all nice sister to come and encourage me. Hee.. They are the best sister that i have, I love you sister. Cass, Linda, Carol and Poh Yen.

So now i will leave everything to God. To uphold everything. I hope thing would change. As Carol sis say that see God had lay this path for you. In his plan he will do everything good for you too. I feel so encourage so i stop crying. Then Cass offer me tibits to cheer myself up.

Dance started not long. We open in prayer then we start practising. I did not do well in the practise so i was not selected to dance for this sunday plateform. Is ok.. Haha.. Is my faulth that i did not practise and cannot remember the step. So i should not be angry. Just do it well for the next one that coming up.

Kelvin's say that she had alreadi selected someone and invited the new dancer to join in to the year end bazz. I was not selected. Although i do hope to be invited to dance. I know that my skill is not that yet. I hope i could but anyone had to practise very hard. He did mention he will open the worship song to us. Anyway.. I do hope to join.

Since been so long in dance. I do not really see me improving. I am not sure how to improve. Although people will telling me to join outside class. I do not able to afford to pay classes. So beside that i onli can learn on every thursday. I do not sure how come i do not understand what is really line work. Though out this year i had been trying to follow the senior in their line work. I try to pose like them but i do not see the different. I could not find my mistake. I also try alot but i do get there.

Sometime i am doubting am i having that gift to dance. I do had the passion but does i had the gift. Sometime i do think they wanna make me happy by telling me that i am alreadi there. I do well but i don't think so. Toward the end of the year. I really should think what is my aim serving in dance minstry. What is the goal and aim. So i could prepare myself for next year.

The assignment is getting nearer. Is alreadi next week. but i am not sure with the step in dance. hey.... Sad... men... I hope to do well. Hoping but not doing anything does not help. How can i remember the dance step. Oh men, I practise the dance i could not get the line work and step right. hey... I got to really jia you..

2:01 AM!Y

My feeling

I am having some sad feeling that inside of me that I don’t know who can I share too. I think everyone got their own problem. So I choose to write in my blog and express myself. It will make me feel better. I did hope to show anyone but to God and myself.
So anyone who has view this can just ignore this.

I actually went back to work in my own company that I work with. 2 disappointment that I hear from my boss. Although I did not expect that from her. Really hope it does not come from her mouth. Someone told me. I should not take it too hard. I should just take it to improve myself. So that I will be more professional. As I take what she say. So decided to improve myself by doing better.

My boss told me that actually she was very disappointed by me. In my work and also my behaviors at work. I really don’t know what is wrong. My boss says that you had to take up the leadership to do my work and also when time to be serious then serious. I will have another intern that is coming in. To take up some of my work. So I had to show a good example to her. I felt that I really had to learn. Then I do accept that. But not long I came back I sense there is some misunderstand between my boss and one of my colleagues. I and not sure what is going on.

This few day I heard from my other thing is that this colleague who assign me to be his assistance so that he would able to take of me in my work. They told me that this colleague mood is up and down, And my lady boss and the other colleague say they don’t want make it as they are siding me and don’t want my senior to put the blame on me. So I had to finish my part on time. I really don’t know what had happening. Why is he changing a lot? I feel so frighten to go work each day. And also did not have the heart to go work. I feel such disappoint in myself. He is no longer the person that I know. And the when he saw my friend portfolio he say about my work I feel so upset. He makes me feel I am lousy.

I do not know how to express myself. I really hope this way will help me express it. And I really does not want to hurt anyone, Sometime it make me feel that whether I should stop working ma.. I really feel so sad that each day I could only break down to cry.

God’s anything that you want me to learn from there ma. I really can’t leave any longer. Maybe expectation that given to me id higher. Why is hard to make someone happy ma… I know expectation will make me a better person. I am wonder when he behind me he is just like a devil and when he is in front of me he is like an angel. How could I solve my problem?

As listen to what my other colleague say I am sure this guy he is going to complaint about ne again… What can I do? Hei.. I really wonder how I am going to present my work to my boss. I really don’t know how much could I finish. Do my best ba.

9:01 PM!Y

Plateform..

Today i got dance.. So had to be in church by 8 am.. hee.. So most people was late. Due to the rain. Was very nice to sleep when is rainy day. haha.. When i reach is only a few of us. Is only team C people will around. As i was so happy and very rush.. So i went in.. And prepare of myself. I take the shorter time to makeup and also also change. haha.. My dearest sister given me a smile. I hope i could given her a hug.

So people start to arrive at about 8.30am... We start warm up. Lead by a guy.. After that we went on stage to get our formation rite. Then i felt everyone was well prepare for the worshipping him. I always felt that our dance group got unity. As one dance mates came and forgotten bring her costume. so we did not like did not care and say then u can't go on stage but a few of us came out with some solution. And helping each other. As we encourage each other... So later we found our own solution. As we decided some of them onli dance for one song then we will able to exchange.

So we manage to change.. So all of us still able to go up on stage. I thank god that my leader did not stop anyone from dancing.. As i trust god that he will the one who given us this solution. As today i really feel that the angel in heaven is clapping with us. As we had a wonderful god.

Although there is a mistaken that happen.. I was in the video and i am not sure why am i looking around. I was just behind pastor Joel... Oh no.. sure look very aweful hei.. So some of dance mates ask me to be more conscious when i am on plateform. Although i make a mistake i still wan to give praises to god. Overall everything was good. As all of us had the energy and need to smiles. hee.. If not sure look ugly..

And the other service we onli able to dance for one song at first. As we had nt enough time to prepare. last mintues pastor sing a song that there is alreadi dance step but nt everything we remember. So we dance freely.. At first pastor say we don dance tt. that onli sing for minstry part. We will like huh.. then later he saw we so excited so he decided to have tt song.. We all jump up with smile... praise god.. So all the dance look goods.. I think the second service are better.. hehehe.... We encounter god more.. I can't wait to see the video men..

Labels: Plateform

11:44 PM!Y

Actually today while everything come together. I really start to doubt where is He? And how do i know whether he is really real? As my leader always tell me that he will b here for me and do all thing for me. He would not give thing that i could not do. So i am thinking how much i really know him and how much is he real. As for me.. I was in alot of project and thing that should not come now had came. I am so tired. Really wonder how he will able help me. As he is not like someone who i could meet and talk to. *I mean face to face.) So i really wonder is he here helping me.

I felt i'm lose the trust and faith in him that he would do all thing for me. So i decided to nail down and start worship him. I could not able to encounter him well.. I feel so lonely and lose. I start to cry out. Who can share wit me how real our god is and wonderful he is. As i really could not see him in me. I am totally lose. And dare not telling anyone about it. So i actually could only share a bit of it with one my friend.

I does not want to stand on my own strength. Coz i know one day will break down and would not want to go church. And i would be in the darkness.. As i also know that when this happen my life would been more miserable. As i had experince this when 2 years ago where i cry badly and also when i was primary 4. So would not want it to happen again. How do i prevent this?
Decided to read bible and prayed and ask where are you, I need you to be in my life. And do forgive me for doubting. As i don't want to go back to the darkness. Please come and save me.How could i believe that it happen again.. I does not want to stand in my own understanding but to trust you and know you well.. I want to rise up like a shining star. I want to love you in all ways.Please save me.

If anyone who read this. Can share with me and tell me what should do. I do still feel lose in heart and trusting in all thing i do. Please come and help me for my difficuilt time.

Labels: How do i know where is he?

11:17 AM!Y

I was a bit upset for pass few day.. Alot of nice friends , sisters and ppl from dance came and ask me. There given me some suggestion. And alot of them given me a wakes up reminder. And especially some nice friend. haha.. Don't wanna talk about the pass...

I actually went to print some photo from my dance and i did a special photo of me and some close friend.. I like the photo tt i had printed. Coz is meaningful to me. I like it. I Came back my aunt ask me who is tt? I smile and walk into my room. haha.. She must be guessing who is tt.. hahaha.. I am going to tell her. Before i get myself in deep shit.

As i know time really fly. I onli had 4 more day before my assessment. So i am going to use time wisely.. Got to pen off..

12:11 AM!Y

Today i spend my day at home...

This is my last week before my assessment week. Although i feel very stress.. I am very slow in work.. I think i got to work fast. Coz i left not much time to complete all my work.. I feel like giving up.. I need help.. Who can help me.. Why am i so stress.. I hope my leader would be able to give me idea what to do to help me.. but she is nt... I am like so tires... Life is such miserable when came to final work..

Help help help...

I had a frenz is sec 3 now. He does not care about his studies.. Everyday onli know how to play games... I really hope game will help him pass his exam.. I really wonder how his life next time.. hahaha, Anyway he is the one who is in control of his life. If he still carry on i am sure he will regret when he is even older.. That will be too late lor!!

10:12 PM!Y

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dance seeker Appoint the Lord
Fynn
God's worshipper Jesus' warrior

As i am bought into this minstry since 2006 March.This minstry is called Touch Dance Minstry. A new minstry and new friends that i make. Life has change in this new minstry. Has show me that i had more friend outside who i can hang out with. As this group of friend that i am close with had develop me to LOVE board game. I enjoy the time spending with them on thursday , saturday and also Sunday after church. We even had outing together. As we are the most ON group. Times to practise hard we will practise and time to have fun we will have fun together. As now i learn to love them more. And is the time that i always looking forward too. I love you Touch Dance. As Touch Dance is a place for me to dance without fear. I love you..

I trust that god is always here taking care of all thing… I pray that God will bless team C and D enjoy every single of the member around… Do continue walk close with god… And be a Gods’ worshipper and Jesus Warrior!! To ask BIG , Look FAR and Pray hard. As this year goals for me is to be a warrior of Light and train well for my technical skill for dance.




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