Today is the second day that thing has happen in the cell. We had not talk about it. I having problem staying in this cell. I lose of hope for this group. I believe my leader will help me to solve thing out. She is very nice. I am super sorry that i hurt her. I hope thing would be better. Alhough this year i do not know how my christmas will be like. Although i did hope i would able to spend my christmas with the cell. I know that is impossible now. I do not dare to hope. I just hope there is something My leader can do. ALthough i do not hope to jus celebrate with the guys team alone. I do felt so weired. All are so grown up me leh.. I would think i will lose of words to say. I think to make my cell leader happy then i will still go. She is my leader. Day after day i had been crying coz of this problem. Although after knowing the cell does not willing to celebrates christmas together i did wish to be in malaysia celebrating Christmas there. I think the feels will be different. I don't think i can. I do not waste another ticket. And also becoz i had to come back and practise for the performance for the countdown. I do believe aunt wannna give me surprise. I think i would not able to see the surprise. Hei... I really does not hope my leader be upset.
Although i do not sure that she is upset becoz of the group does not wanna come together and celebrates christmas or becoz what she saw my letter then she get upset. I think she felt so discourage becoz of me. I wrote a letter then feel with my thought. Why and how come I does not wanna sit with her. Coz i do not have the likeness with them..
Now every day i think of this problem i start tearings. I do hope my group can get closer. Although i ever thought of leaving the group but i think i would still prefer my leader. Alhough i can does not have the group to be with me. But i do wan my leader.
Today sunday in church service i was touch by the words that pastor Thai Tong say. We need holy spirit to give us a hand so that we would not feel tired. And out road will be easiler. When start praying... I sense that God will hugging me and he told me that everything is in his hand. He will solve very little problem that i have. I just has to trust him in everything.I am not standing alone, he is always beside me. Do not lead on my own understanding. I starting tearing. As now a few thing that brother me. That is i am not sure whether my Godpa's izzit really have cancer. As he need to go and do treatment then he will know is that cancer cell.. I am so worry for my family as i am not sure what is going to happen next. As for past 3 year thing had been happening. I break the curse in the NAME OF JESUS. No DEVIL are aloud in my home and family.
Although one and another problem is here. I had to be strong. Seen like thing start my uncle who mentally ill then grandaunt health getting poor, then my aunt Jean who has cancer follow by my uncle in malaysia who also has cancel then the other uncle from malaysia who has went treatment came back but still not well and now my godfather is the next one who suspect that he has cancer.
Cancer is everywhere. Is so scary... God please help me hold my family. I can't stand alone without you. I am going to give up soon.. Please come to me and help me. I feel so so so so so tired... I need a rest.
Sometime i just wonder izzit time for me to go back to heaven. I need a rest..
